These times are hard and they're making us crazy

Today I wrote.  I had just listened to From the First Time by The Script for the third time in a row and I was about to listen to it again when I picked up a pen and piece of paper and decided to write. I felt awkward because my mind was racing looking for a topic to write about. I knew I had to just do it. So I did. And it felt good.

That was a bit of an intro. Well the point is that I wrote about myself. As I wrote, I realized it was vital that I figure out who I am because I do not know. It's a growing problem that I have decided I should begin to fix. This past year I began to question beliefs I stood for and the reasons behind my actions and all sorts of interesting things like that. And I realized that who I was is not who I am. Yet I had no clue who the new me was. So I'm accepting I need to do some soul searching.

My idea that I wrote about included making a list. The list would include facts I knew to be true of myself. And maybe that wouldn't allow me to discover the new me, but at least I could figure out what is left of the old me.

Well here I go..

I love the morning. I get way too mad at myself when I lose things. I love dark blue and purple nail polish. My sisters are my best friends. I am about to eat some Buddy's pizza.

Hmmm.. how was that? A good start? I hope.. maybe I should put more effort into projects that are actually important to me. Oh yeah, to add to the list.. I am lazy.

But I seriously am going to Buddy's Pizza.

A Stranger's House

I can't seem to dedicate myself to anything. I've been suffering from this symptom for quite some time now. It started with sports. I think I've quit every sport I've ever played. Soccer in kindergarten. The ball hit me in the stomach and that was it for me. No more soccer. I took swimming and diving lessons when I was little. I quit those too. At least with diving though I tried to come back. Twice. Once a summer later and again about 10 years after that. Well not ten years, but you know. I quit the cheer leading team right before the end of the season too. I wanted to ruin that team. I hated the girls on the team so I quite right before our last competition. I don't regret that. I danced when I was little.. and when I was older. I quit both of those too. Haha, wow.. now that I'm thinking about it and writing it all down, I've quit alot more things that I thought. At least I never quit running. I'm proud of that. You know sports is just the beginning. I have dedication issues in other areas as well. Like relationships. But I'm not ready to go there yet. Especially being at this strange place with strange people.

Mind Reader

Am I the only one who knows exactly what people are going to say before they say it? I often am convinced I can read minds. Especially the male mind. I do observe people and that may explain why I think I can read minds, but still. Everyone is just so obvious to me. I can tell when someone is lying to me. I just know. Boys are the biggest give away. The story of my conversation with my friend last night is perhaps the perfect example. So the sake of confidentiality, we'll call him Phineas, Finny for short.

Late last night I receive a text message from a boy. My friend Finny, whose feelings for me continued to grow more strongly each day, wrote "there's something I need to tell you the next time I see you." (For the sake of argument, let's just analyze this statement right here. "There's something"... something.. what is this something? A story? A problem? A sentence? "I need".. not want.. need. He has to relay this something to me. It is important very important. "To tell".. not say.. tell.. that word threw me off a little. I think it was suppose to. He put that word in there to throw me off of what I already knew he wanted to say. "The next time I see you." It has to be in person. He cannot tell me over text messages. That makes it much more significant." In response to this message, I played his game. I did not ask what this something was, I simply attempted to receive more information from him in order to confirm my belief on what he had to tell me. So I said, "Why didn't you tell me today?" His response, "I wasn't sure." (Whoa.. wasn't sure.. wasn't sure of what? Wasn't sure of what he had to say.. wasn't sure if he could trust me... wasn't sure if he felt that way...) After that huge giveaway, I said, "Is it a bad thing?" His reply, "I hope not." (That means that he thinks it's good.. but knows that I may not think so..) Then I asked if it was about him and he said yes and no. (Yes and no.. well that's an easy one. It's about him so yes.. but it's not just about him so no. It's about me too.) I asked him if he would forget to tell me the next time I saw him. "I definitely won't forget." (Well shit this is important.) Okay, now to the best part in my opinion, "Are you going to tell me before I leave or right when I see you?" "I'm not sure yet." (That was like icing on the cake. I'm sure after my over the top analyzing of the situation it's obvious that he is going to tell me he loves me. Hmm.. maybe that would have been obvious to anyone. I don't know. I still think I should get some kind of award for knowing the hidden meaning behind each word Finny was saying. Haha, it'll be hilarious when he tells me tomorrow that he is moving to Africa.

Graduation Day

Today I graduated from high school. (Well technically yesterday but I've haven't slept yet.) Unfortunately, I could not control the wanderings of my mind to pay attention to the exciting speeches given before me. So I don't have much to say about my high school graduation. My thoughts were consummed with the book I wanted to write. I'm not really a writer. Not at all. Actually I know for a fact I could never write for a living. At least not books about people and things and events or whatever authors usually write about. That's not really my thing. But if I did decide to write a book, I had the first paragraph all planned out. Here's roughly how it would go.

This is the story of a girl. A girl who didn't know who she was or where she belonged. She wasn't sure where she was headed or even where she had come from. She was torn between the so-called normalties of society and rejecting the world. The more her awareness grew of this fact the more lost she became. She needed answers that were impossible to achieve considering she didn't even know the questions.

And that's about it right there. Would you read it? I wouldn't. That's why I could never be a writer. I don't exactly write for an audience. I write to clear my head, to spill the emotions brewing inside me, to release the stress that consumes me. I write just to write. To get my thoughts down on paper. I never read what I write after I write it. I read it just once to proof read. My English writing skills still get the best of me. But besides that I'll write and then never look at it again. And it was these thoughts that lead me to this.. a blog. This is the perfect combination of writing/journaling. Maybe no one will read this blog. Not even me. I don't care. It's just the perfect solution. So here I am blogging away. Well not yet, but I guess I'll see where this new hobbie of mine takes me.